Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Hippo gnu deer
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Is it penis luge time yet?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
