last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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