I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
