Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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