I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
