Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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