So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
