I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
