My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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