When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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