The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
