So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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