Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
