ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
