i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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