I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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