So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
