I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
