i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
