8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
