I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
