If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize