he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
