I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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