At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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