I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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