Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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