Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
