Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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