i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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