fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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