I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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