Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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