I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Randomize