went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
