You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
