I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
