Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
