I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
