Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
