A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
