haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
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