I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
