The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
