I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
