if i can run in heels then i can drive
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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