The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
