if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
