Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
