So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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