i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
