i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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