I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
