How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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