just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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